“As the night came ‘round, I heard its lonely sound

It wasn’t roaring it was weeping.” 

Weeping – Bright Blue

(This is going to be an extremely raw post, but please stick with me)

When I was in high school this song deeply resonated with me, because in many ways it resembled something deep inside me (despite me not knowing its history connection to Apartheid South Africa). The idea that a man hiding a demon behind his house, guarding it with guns, walls, and fire was something that described the turmoil within me. I often had a veneer of anger to others, but that was often a misnomer. I often felt misunderstood and that no matter what I did it was never good enough to impress or please those around me. Standing under constant criticism of the Fundamentalist Baptists around me I felt largely hopeless. Additionally, I was living in a home marked with hatred, violence, and abuse and therefore I largely lived in utter despair. Not good enough for church. Not good enough for home. Not good enough for friends. This took me down many wayward paths until I hit rock bottom. 

This is where everything began to change. 

I looked at my nightstand, saw a dusty Bible I hadn’t read in years. I picked it up and read John 14 and encountered something I never had noticed before…God’s love for me. I saw a Father who sent His Son to reach me, to prepare a place for me, to love me unconditionally. I finally began to realize I was good enough to be loved by my Creator. Suddenly many of those dark feelings began to fade and I finally got a glimpse of my worth and how I was seen by God. It was at this time I committed my life to Christ, desperate for the pain and suffering I was experiencing to end. Desperate to stop playing the game of acceptance by others and instead to walk in meaning, mission, and purpose. This was also the time I committed myself to serve the Lord wherever He took me. 

I went to Bible College, studied missions but quickly experienced betrayal, further criticism by the administration at two Baptist Bible Colleges. This just reiterated the cycle of before, I felt like I was on a rat-wheel just endless running one direction, trying my best to do that which was right, but I continued to fail in the eyes of those around me. I continued to ask God, “is this really what you want from me?” And no matter what it seemed God was telling me, “Yes. Fight the good fight”…fight the good fight… Those words kept resonating on repeat in my mind. This journey wasn’t going to be easy and if the saints before could endure beating, torture, and death I could certainly endure the jabs of people. However, that didn’t make it easy, but the strength of my forefathers inspired me to press ahead. I persevered and eventually served in my first pastorate. 

Finally, I felt I could finally I could make a difference for the Kingdom of God and help introduce others to their Creator through the gospel message of Christ. But little did I know how woefully ill-equipped I was. Not only did I not have the intellectual tools to combat the post-modern world I lived in, but I encountered one road block after another in ministry. People attempting to cover up abuse, church squabbles over pitifully small issues, vicious attacks on people behind their back, and over all about 10 years of struggle; a continual uphill battle. Every few months it was another battle another war needing to be fought. Always another conflict to be dealt with. 

Additionally, during this time I saw many of my friends from bible college resign the faith, walk away from the church, renounce Christ, and fall into abysmal sins with no repentance. I knew we would stumble (and I certainly committed my fair amount of sins) but to see so many walk away believing absolute lies of this world was heartbreaking. Then I lost a childhood friend to murder. Another friend died as a young mother unexpectedly. Soon after my mother-in-law died at just 54 years old (who had adopted 12 kids from foreign countries). Then in some sort of sick joke my wife and I (who couldn’t have kids) suffered two miscarriages. Battle after battle, tragedy after tragedy we endured. This caused me to hang up my pastoral hat for 3 years and pray what God wanted from us. 

He made it clear, He didn’t want us to quit. 

So I got a degree in theology. Continued to study philosophy, apologetics, and history. All during this time I saw more friends of my generation (Millennial) get swept away into atheism, agnosticism, LGBTQ+ movements, embrace abortion, and reject covenantal marriage (it only worsened for Gen Z). I saw the turmoil caused by the New Atheist Movement and the monster that reared its ugly head afterwards. Worse yet, I saw around me pastors and churches grow weaker. I got involved in the Right to Life movement and evangelical church after evangelical church refused to get involved because “they don’t want to be political”. I was angry and heartbroken. Something the church has taught for 2000 years (rejecting abortion) was receiving a blind eye due to “optics”. Hundreds and thousands of innocent children being torn apart and vacuumed out of their mother’s womb and churches couldn’t care less for fear of being controversial and “political” (as if morality isn’t attached to politics in some way). 

The same thing continued to happen with the LGBTQ+ movement where churches either brandished a rainbow flag or spoke quitter about it (like Tim Keller) as to avoid “offense”. Thus, the church at large began to stop calling sinners to repentance and began accepting complacency. Many sermons began to be reduced to “motivational” speaking rather than “repent for the Kingdom of God is at hand”. It has been suffocating. Then I saw that those standing against this cultural upheaval were Reformed Churches. Churches that taught God is hateful toward mankind, that God predestines some to salvation and others He “passes over” for “His own glory”. How God punished His perfect and righteous Son in our place in order to fulfill some distorted sense of justice. Allowing Him to “satisfy His wrath” over sinners by butchering His innocent Son (and they teach all this with various “proof texting” that’s still bleeding from being torn out of context).

It seemed everywhere I looked there was either compromise or vile distortions of God. 

In the mean time the world continued to spiral. I finally decided it was time to step up. I could no longer sit on the side lines preaching in my small country church and do nothing else. Thus, I started The Church Split. A place where these contentious topics could be attacked head on. If conflict was going to continually come knocking on my door, I might as well join the fray. After all, I was used to the fighting, I had been doing it as long as I remember. Conflict was no stranger to me, but rather a familiar bitter friend. I began to realize…many people shy away from conflict because they don’t want to deal with the fallout. They don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. They don’t want to be labeled as a bigot, heretic, homophobe, Bible thumper, or cruel. However, I accepted a long time ago that conflict was part of the Christian walk. This doesn’t mean one has to be cruel, but it does require one to be direct, precise, and unapologetic with the truth (while armed with grace and love). 

This built me a certain reputation in the eyes of some. People would say: 

I’m angry. 

I’m bitter. 

I’m mean. 

I’m offensive. 

This bothered me at times, but most the time I just embraced it. I had spent the last 14 years reading, studying, and preparing my views before I began to articulate them publicly and this allowed me to have ample time to have precision (this doesn’t mean I was always right, I have since changed my mind on multiple topics). Regardless, I knew it was necessary at this point. If we were going to change the world for the Kingdom of God we needed bold spiritual warriors on the battlefront of ideas. Declaring the truth of Christ to the nations. Being intolerant to the lies of the Enemy and only embracing that which is good (Fun fact: scripture repudiates tolerance of sin. God continually rebukes Israel for tolerating idols in their midst). 

And we definitely have our idols in this culture. Especially the idol of the self. 

What has continually shocked me (which it shouldn’t) is how often even those “in my camp” misunderstand this. I often get called a string of adjectives: contentious, divisive, offensive, and often accused of wielding an axe that I swing in all directions. The reality is: it’s true. I’m trying to offend the senses of the Devil, I’m wanting to divide truth from falsehood, and I am swinging that axe at every ideological enemy I can. Not because I’m hateful, not because I’m bitter, but because I see us surrounded on all sides by wolves. Wolves looking to consume, deceive, and destroy in the name of various ideological gods. While many are sleeping in the pews or just starting along their faith journey — I’m trying to protect and defend them.

I’m deeply aware that not everyone is cut out to combat these ideological enemies. However, in many ways I feel I was made for this. I was forged in conflict — “born in it, molded by it”. I’m comfortable with it. Although contrary to popular belief, I don’t enjoy it. I actually much prefer getting along with people, cracking jokes, being jovial, helping others, and just being their friend. However, I recognize the need for it and its utility. To have a sheepdog around is helpful to the flock as it protects them from false teaching — guarding the hearts and minds of others. 

Although I’d be lying if I said it isn’t sometimes a lonely road. 

After all, many still misunderstand what I’m doing and why I do it. Many don’t see the dangers on the horizon. They don’t pay attention to the culture, hear the teachings people are digesting, and thus are largely unaware of the dangers that young people are consuming. I was even told recently that it seems that I, “take it too personally”. 

At first I recoiled at the statement. “Me? Take it personally? Surely I’m too intellectual for all that nonsense.” 

However, after contemplating this for months and taking time to process the statement I’m actually inclined to agree. I do take it personally. It is personal. My entire life has been marked by nothing but conflict since I was a little boy. By no choice of my own I experienced every form of abuse by the time I was 10 years old. After that I experienced overbearing and impossible leadership, blind people upset over trivial matters, lost my own children, and seeing countless friends taken by the Enemy. Pastored over young people who have been assaulted by the world in every horrific way possible. Yeah, it’s beginning to feel a little personal. How could it not? The Enemy is destroying everything around us — should we not take that personally? 

I now have two beautiful little girls (my miracles of God) and I keep thinking of the world they will inherit. A world marked by identity confusion, Biblical distortion, worship of self, baby murder, child mutilation, assassination culture, and so much more. I will not be the father who did nothing. I will not be the father who is silenced. I will fight for the future of the Kingdom of God. Why is that? Because my children deserve it. They deserve a world marked by the love of Christ and not the lies of Satan. However, many hear these words “fight” and “conflict” and think I’m some sort of vicious revolutionary with hatred in my heart, but this is untrue.

Despite me not being a deeply emotional person, after contemplating that statement: “it seems you take it so personally” I realized. I do. Because deep inside I’m weeping over a broken world my children will inherit. I weep for a church that used to joyfully surrender their lives to martyrdom in refusal to denounce Christ, to now seeing a church that is so spineless it’s afraid to speak against child murder for fear of being “political” and thus losing some congregants. I weep for the souls who have been deceived by the lies of the Enemy. There’s so much work to be done. So many resources to build and provide. So many ways to fight against these evil system (through reasoning, arguing, living, discipling etc.) but such little time to do it. Because the truth is: we are surrounded by darkness. 

Yet, I haven’t given up hope. I know that in darkness the light burns brightest. I also know that the Word of God is not returned void, that the gospel of Christ still brings New Life and New Creation to all who follow Him. I know He brings healing to the broken…like He did for me so many years ago. I know that there will be those who hate me, but that’s to be expected because they hated Jesus first. I don’t need to fear the ridicule because my King has overcome the world. He has inaugurated the New Creation and is the First Fruits of the resurrection. We can fight back against the lies of the Enemy and that’s not through violence (although I’m no pacifist). It’s through bold and unapologetic declaration of the gospel of Christ. Not just it’s declaration though, but it’s participation. That we are the Kingdom of God now. That we help those who are in need now. That we are prepared to give an answer of the hope that is in us now. 

I have a peace in my soul that I’m doing what God has prepared me to do. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say I want peace. However, to quit would be to give ground to the Enemy — so we must remain steadfast. Thus, we must carry on. We must fight the good fight, finish our course, and keep the faith. Rebuke false teaching, cast down the idols among us, and pick up those who have been crushed by the world’s lies. I don’t want you to see roaring when I (or others) rail against the world…I want you to see weeping. Fervent fiery hearts that are broken over the souls for whom Christ died. 

So know this: it’s not anger…it’s grief.